Part 1

Just when you think you have everything figured out, life happens.

When Covid hit, the issue of child care arose like no other because my job was still up and running despite the pandemic. I want to emphasize that I am grateful that I still had a job, but I’m not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t scared to work. I mean, is the job worth the risk of death? Can I afford to quit and find that out? So many thoughts and uncertainty. I also felt I’d overcome so much and left my other desires behind: to finish college, to work with young people who’d gone through similar experiences as me. I’d done it in order to have steady employment and support myself and my child. Did I really want to quit now?  

I definitely did not want to lose everything I’d worked for, so I kept going to work, sometimes secretly wishing I would get fired just so that the decision would be made for me.  

Work was super stressful in the beginning. It still is now but it’s not as bad as when it all began.  

In the beginning, customers’ fears of getting Covid meant they regularly complained about how long they had to wait and about the fact that we were short-staffed. We were short-staffed because we were following Covid rules, which didn’t allow us to be close to each other. We were at capacity for Covid but short-staffed to do our jobs. 

Do you know how it feels to be happy to serve your community but the reactions and treatment reciprocated doesn’t match your positive energy? It feels terrible. You risk your life to serve, but customers are so frustrated that they take it out on you.  

I don’t know if it’s because I had a job and they didn’t. Or perhaps they’d suffered a loss and assumed I didn’t have any issues of my own.  

Some days I wanted to explode and let customers know all that I was sacrificing to be at work. Paying for babysitters, which basically meant going to work to pay babysitters, crowded trains, anxiety, tiredness, hopelessness. Part of me felt like, I still have a job, I should be happy. But I wasn’t.  

I had opted into remote learning for my son so that I only had to worry about getting a babysitter to stay at just one location and decrease our possible Covid contacts. I took off a day every week which meant I had to work every Saturday, but it saved a babysitting day.  

My son is 11 years old. And while he struggles with concentration, he is great with technology, so he feels comfortable being in school online. I am definitely grateful that the Covid fate occurred during a time where he is self-sufficient for the most part. My son also likes being alone, so that part wasn’t so hard for him. He went and took walks in our neighborhood. 

The toughest part with remote learning is me having the energy to check on his work after a long day at my job. I’m so tired that by the time I come home, I don’t even care. It’s terrible to say that, I know, but I don’t want to lie. I’m keeping it real.  

Usually, my son’s education is very important to me, and I didn’t want him falling behind because of Covid, so I thought about quitting once more. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like life would be harder, not easier.  

Instead, I told myself: Some of us are in situations that we can’t afford to be scared of. It’s like growing up in foster care. You just have to face it.