Part 2

When Covid struck, I’d been working for a bank for three years. But about a year into the pandemic, the company made changes and my role was no longer needed. I pushed through while I was still there by focusing on helping the community. But it was very upsetting not to feel genuinely supported in the middle of a pandemic.

I did have the option to move up in the company, but with everything going on with Covid and my constant child care issues, I could not see myself doing it. There was an exam, and I would need to dedicate time I didn’t have to studying in order to pass it. I also had the option to demote myself, but I didn’t want to do that because I would be working just as hard for less pay.

When they offered a [1]severance package, I saw it as an out and decided to take it. I already felt like I was holding on to the job by a thread because if school and after-schools are closed what am I to do with my son and stepson? It is hard to ask for babysitters because that means asking someone else to take a risk as well. I thought to myself, perhaps I can use this time to find a job that I’m passionate about.

That’s something positive I can say about Covid. It revealed companies’ values and care to their employees, or lack thereof. In my opinion if you’re going to risk your life working, at least let it be for something you enjoy doing. It’s not always possible of course but if you don’t try you’ll never know. The severance package should last me a couple months. When it runs out, if I haven’t found another job, I will apply for public assistance. I am stressed about that but whichever option I took I was going to have a dilemma.

The past few weeks I have been home. One thing I’ve been trying to do is deal with issues with my housing that I didn’t have time for when I was working. I live in public housing and they have been needing to do repairs for years. Now that I’m home more, I hope I can find time to get things fixed.

I have also been supervising my son and stepson while they are both remote learning. That is a job within itself. They get bored easily and need constant supervision to help them focus. I think they do better in an actual class. With online learning, they both just want to rush through the assignments to play video games and be on their phones. I also definitely miss having them in extracurricular activities.

Being at home makes me realize I do like to work. I don’t miss the feeling of dreading going to work and I do love being with my kids more, but I don’t like to stay home all day either. I don’t feel as productive or motivated.

Perhaps I’m so used to the rush of working and being a mom all at once that any kind of stillness makes me feel like I am being lazy. It also makes me feel like I don’t have anything going for me. It’s like I’m back at square one fresh out of foster care.

During this time I’ve realized just how much being in foster care affected me. All the uncertainty that Covid introduced into my life made me feel like I was back in foster care.

One would think foster care would have made me used to change because of all the changes I experienced in foster parents, group homes, etc. And I am used to it.  I just don’t like it. When I was in care, I always craved consistency and structure, and it felt like that was exactly what was always being taken from me.

That’s another thing I don’t like that Covid made me experience all over again: That when I do get a glimpse of consistency and structure I can’t enjoy them because I’m worried about the future. My experiences in foster care taught me to believe that whatever I have won’t last. It feels like that’s the same lesson of this pandemic.

Still, I’m hoping that now that I’m no longer a child in foster care, I can use that uncertainty to take a risk and move forward in my life. I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I still need money and I still have all the concerns about child care. But my hope in the long-run is to find a job that I can wake up in a good mood for.

[1] Severance pay is additional payment and sometimes other benefits that employers can offer when they want staff to leave.